A few years ago, I was sitting at the bar of a friend’s restaurant, talking with a couple next to me about whatever game was on TV. It was a perfectly normal afternoon. Then two young, very Gen Z girls walked in.

One had lime-green hair. The other had lemon-yellow hair. Both had septum piercings, and I thought they looked amazing. The man sitting near me at the bar apparently disagreed. Because the second he saw them, his whole body did this little recoil thing. Then he muttered something to his wife. Then he sat back up. Then he muttered something to his wife AGAIN. The whole thing made me uncomfortable because his body language was all about judgement.

And that is when I had what I can only describe as an intrusive thought with excellent follow-through. I leaned over to his wife and said, “Do you mind if I make fun of your husband for a second? I promise it’ll be funny.” She was immediately on board and practically LIT UP with interest.

So I leaned over the bar so he could see that I was addressing him and asked him, “Do you know what aposematism is?” He said no. I said, “It’s something we see in nature. Some animals use really conspicuous colors or markings as a warning signal to predators. Basically: I have defenses you probably don’t want to test, so maybe leave me alone. But the thing that protects them also attracts potential mates.”

And he went, “Oh. Yeah. I actually do know what that is; I just didn’t know it had a word.” To which I replied, “Yes! Aposematism.” Then, I nodded toward the two women and said: “So … it’s working.” His wife LOST IT. And to his credit, he laughed too.

Now, humans are not poison dart frogs, and I’m not suggesting your teenager dye their hair chartreuse as a scientifically validated predator-management system. Although if they want chartreuse hair, honestly, Godspeed. But I do think there’s something useful in the metaphor.

Parents sometimes look at a kid who dresses brightly, dresses queerly, has piercings, wears makeup, stims openly, or just refuses to blend in and think: “That is going to make people target you.” And sometimes visibility really can increase risk. We talked about that in my website essay yesterday.

But sometimes visibility also gives your kid information. Because when someone reacts badly to a haircut, a pronoun, a dress, a stim, a rainbow pin, or a kid simply looking like themselves? That person just told you something. So before you ask your child to tone themselves down so somebody else will behave better, ask yourself: Whose behavior actually needs changing here? Because sometimes the bright colors are not the problem. Sometimes they’re the boundary.

That’s all for now. For more, please visit rainbowrootsmedia.com. And don’t forget to take good care of yourself today.