Co-Regulating With Your Kids

Hiya! Today I’d like to talk about something that sounds very calm and clinical … but in real life usually happens while someone is crying, someone is yelling, and someone else (who is most likely not a parent) is Googling “is this normal.”

We’re going to talk about co-regulation.

Which is just a fancy way of saying that our kids borrow our nervous systems before they can manage their own.

And listen - I get it. Most of us were raised to believe that calm is something kids should be doing by themselves.

“Go to your room.”

“Calm down.”

“Come back when you’re ready to talk.”

Which, translated, often sounds like: “Please stop having feelings where I can see them.”

And no judgment … that’s how we were taught.

If you’re Gen-X like me, you know we were raised on independence, toughness, and “figure it out.”

But kids don’t magically wake up one day knowing how to regulate their emotions.

They learn it from us.

Which means, regulated adults create regulated kids.

Now, and I say this lovingly: If your kid is spiraling and you’re also spiraling… congratulations, you’re spiraling together, and now no one’s in charge of anyone’s nervous system.

Co-regulation is what happens when we slow ourselves down first.

Not fixing.

Not lecturing.

Not launching into a TED Talk while they’re crying.

Just staying.

Because kids - especially neurodivergent kids, and especially queer kids - already spend a lot of energy managing themselves in the world.

How they talk.

How they act.

How much space they’re allowed to take up.

So when home becomes another place where they have to “get it together” before they’re allowed care? That’s a lot.

Now, if you’re asking what co-regulation sounds like, it’s saying:

“I’m here.”

“You don’t have to explain yet.”

“We can figure this out together.”

It looks like breathing first…

lowering your shoulders…

and resisting the urge to say, “Okay but have you tried calming down.”

(*sigh* Because we all know that never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down after being told to calm down. Don’t do it!)

And yes, sometimes it feels backwards.

Because we were raised on systems that said control first, connect later.

But kids don’t learn regulation through pressure. They learn it through safety.

And over time - and I promise this part - something really does change.

The meltdowns don’t last as long.

The recovery gets quicker.

And the trust gets deeper.

Because your child learns:

“I don’t have to fall apart by myself.”

“My feelings won’t cost me love.”

“I’m safe, even when I’m not okay.”

And for queer kids, that lesson can be the difference between surviving and actually feeling at home.

We’re not here to rush kids into independence. We’re here to walk with them until their nervous systems know the way.

That’s all for now.

And don’t forget to take good care of yourself today.