I’m going to say something controversial. So you may want to prepare yourselves. Parents mess up. fake scream I know. Shocking. We misread things. We react too fast. We assume we know what a behavior means and then find out later that we were responding to an entirely different situation.

That happens in every family, but it can happen a lot when you are parenting a neurodivergent or disabled kid because adults are often taught to recognize only a pretty narrow range of “appropriate” participation: “Look at me when I’m talking to you.” “Answer me.” “Sit still.” “Use your words.” “Come join everybody.” “Say hello.” “Try it again.”

And sometimes we find out later that the child was listening without looking at us. Or they needed more time to process the question. Maybe movement was helping them regulate. Perhaps silence actually WAS communication. Or the room was overwhelming and the words were simply not available yet.

I have had moments as a parent where I realized afterward, “Oh. I completely misread that, didn’t I?” That is not a fun realization. Especially when you already corrected the kid. Sometimes loudly, with confidence and a full chest. <<<Pause to look awkward for effect>>>

Parenting really does have a way of giving you the information five minutes after you could have used it. So what do you do then? You repair. And repair can be very simple. “I thought you were ignoring me. I understand now that you needed more processing time. I’m so sorry I got frustrated.” “I pushed you to stay in that room when you were overwhelmed. I should have listened when you said you needed to leave.” “I kept asking you to explain yourself when you didn’t have words yet. I’m going to handle that differently next time.”

You do not have to write a memoir about why you misunderstood. You don’t have to make your kid reassure you that you are still a good parent. You tell the truth about what happened, take responsibility for your part, and change something. And that last part matters. Because if I apologize for interrupting my kid’s processing time and then demand an immediate answer again tomorrow, we have not made much progress.

Repair should teach us something. Maybe next time I ask the question and wait longer. Maybe I give my kid the option to text me instead of answering face-to-face. Maybe I stop treating eye contact as evidence that they are paying attention. Maybe I let them pace while we talk. Maybe I notice that “participating” doesn’t always mean sitting quietly in the chair with everybody else.

Families work better when we get curious about what communication actually looks like for the people in our house. That includes movement. That includes silence. That includes texting, gestures, scripting, delayed responses, headphones, leaving the room, coming back later, or needing somebody to ask the question differently.

And yes, boundaries still exist. Kids still need guidance. Sometimes the answer is still no. Understanding how your child communicates does not require abandoning parenting. It does require paying enough attention to notice when the method matters.

One of the most useful questions I have learned to ask myself is: “Did my kid just blow me off, or was I asking for something in a way that didn’t leave much room for a response?” Because sometimes the answer really is refusal. Sometimes you find out you were asking a nervous system to do something it genuinely could not do in that moment. Either way, knowing the difference helps. And when you get it wrong, go back. You are allowed to say, “I see that differently now.” Your kid gets to see an adult change their mind when new information arrives. That is a pretty useful thing for a child to witness.

Parents mess up. The relationship does not have to end at the mistake. Repair is what comes next.

That’s all for now. For more, please visit rainbowrootsmedia.com. And don’t forget to take good care of yourself today.